Vent about myself

I am tired of myself.

I keep craving affection. It's eating me from the inside. That's something I can bear with. But seperate from that I've always struggled. In my mind I think I planted this idea I am not worth anything. I started becoming more anxious too. My judgment is blinded. I started neglecting myself as a child over the years with unresolved problems... It was like I was rotting.

Maybe what I want is a father figure? I have to get it off my chest at least.

And I feel so guilty for everything, for not trying enough, for this fatigue. This feeling in my chest and whole body that makes me not even want to get up and stand on my feet.

The thing is no one is able to be that for me, at least not now that I know. I can't expect someone to become that at the snap of my fingers. It's too much.

I am just trying to connect the dots. How can I be happy trying? Why should I try if I am an empty shell? It all feels pointless right now.

I feel like an empty little kid just sitting waiting for her bus. Nothing on her mind. No future. No past. No present. Nothing waiting for her. Nothing. It's all the same in my mind, aside from the pain it makes me feel.

The spark in me tells me it's okay to change, but I also don't feel pushed to it in this stagnant energy.