My wrist has had an on/off muscle spasm now for a few days, and prior to this engagement with phenomena I would have had no choice but to find an explanation elsewhere: Too much caffeine? Stress? Anxiety? Bad nerves? Nervous twitch? Side effects from medication (if I was on any)?

But as it coincides with trains of thought and anomalous twitches have been recurring over various parts of my body for awhile now, I understand it's a byproduct of phenomena. But the understanding that the spasm is not a natural occurrence creates a separation between the spasm and myself. 

Yeah, It's happening..but It's happening to me, not because of me. YET, like gravity, phenomena is oppressively everywhere, affecting everyone and is a part of our existence. Often painful, as in my case, It oppresses and suppresses this sense of "self" by exploiting the hell out of it. My individuation and egoistic aspects that require significance and understanding for an ill conceived sense of purpose.

In my experience It has consistently used two things to It's advantage to create a wide range of suffering in my life: 1) My inherent confusion (ignorance countered by ego). 2) My inherent insignificance/desire for significance (also countered/encouraged by ego).

I feel a lot of us are in contact with some seemingly egoistic trickster, deceitful aspect of the phenomena that had been serving as a solution to an inherent problem and creating more problems in Its solution. It compensated for my inherent ignorance and insignificance by telling me, "Your understandings are significant!" And would, simultaneously, destroy the hubris It so eagerly inflated with a round of deflationary statements and a negative energy. 

It's like EVERYTHING It did was a means of making me feel insignificant and confused and simultaneously significant and confirmed. This is a quite a tear on anyone's mind and state of contentment and is a recipe for psychosis. My individuation did an exceptional job at masking this problem by making my trivial life feel very important and unique. 

I find the blueprint for this phenomenon appears to be intentionally designed to work against and for Itself at the same time. And there is truth in this mess somewhere beyond or behind this control mechanism that keeps us blindly searching for truth in passion, desire, attachments and significance.

Back to the statement, "Your understandings are significant" - I am aware these understandings are not of my own investigations as I've always felt the presence of some guidance. So the word "Your" is a lie attempting to get me to claim ownership over something that doesn't belong to me. Their actions and words are not to be fully trusted nor, I believe, do they desire to be fully trusted. Everything is always so rhetorically upside down and backwards sometimes. 

It's like being a crime scene investigator that uncovers the truths about a murder by thorough examination of all the lies. And in the end becomes thankful for the lies because it presented a challenge and a chance to show off some skillful sleuthing. As opposed to arriving at the crime scene and the murderer is standing there with blood on his hands and says, "I did it." There's no "Eureka!" moment.... There's no significance. No confusion.

I find purpose in the immense confusion and the "eureka" moments. It's been forming a community based on findings of what is worthy or worthless. Important or unimportant. Useful or useless. Confirming or confusing. There's no confusion in compassion. There's no confusion in empathy. There's no confusion in being in service to others. There's no confusion in offering another human being kindness, understanding, truthful testimony and your time.

There no confusion in peace and harmony, only in those that wish to take advantage of such things for personal gain. But the journey of peace involved much suffering as I discarded what was unnecessary for that state of inner being to exist. Like a child who clings to a Raggedy Ann Doll, I held onto so many illusions of peace that materialistically, psychologically and emotionally provided a sense of comfort. Only to find comfort and peace are far from the same thing.

This occurrence has been like a squeaky wheel I could never find the right grease for. To view It as a problem, I have to admit It's a problem. To view It as a solution, I have to admit a problem exists. It gets to a point where the only perceivable problem is It's insistence that there is a problem! And then THAT'S the only problem! But I feel that to be a great indicator of growth. Homeostasis, by definition, is brought about by a natural resistance to change when already in optimal conditions.

So you have this phenomenon which presents as a solution to a problem (crisis), becoming a problem and simultaneously a solution (integration), becoming it's own problem and solution existing as one entity thus eliminating itself from the equation (separation). Only to look back and realize It was the cause for the original problem (crisis) to begin with! 

And I see the wild ride of a human narrative unfold from this perspective. The horror and humor revealed by hindsight. The madness and mayhem revealing a deeper meaning. The original crisis becoming an existential crisis becoming an essential understanding.

This journey has been healing, eye-opening, painful, traumatic, psychotic, fearful, confusing, confirming and comforting. But most importantly, it's been settling. It's been an acceptance of entropy in all it's decaying necessity. It's been a transformation of a chaotic energy into one that can resonate with stillness. It's been a firm decision to detach from the suffering that accompanies degrees of awareness. 

I'll close with this excerpt from an article I read this morning by Ṭhānissaro Bhikkhu from https://www.dhammatalks.org/books/FourNobleTruths/Section0004.html in relative relation to the First Noble Truth:

"We work toward this dispassion by following the duty that corresponds to this truth. Instead of running away from suffering or trying to push it away, we patiently observe it with the purpose of comprehending it. We need to see for ourselves how the suffering is not the mere fact of physical pain or stress. It’s actually identical with the act of clinging. Full comprehension comes when we understand clinging to the point where we have no more passion, aversion, or delusion around it." 










Problems and Solutions