Crashing Down

I don’t post on Reddit much but I feel the need to vent as I don’t have many people around me for support. My parents tell me I have people who count on me so I need to bare the weight, my wife and kids hates me, and I don’t have many friends.

I am an educator but, due to financial struggles, staffing will be cut with 150 jobs being lost by May. I know I am on the list to be cut and even though people have been notified, I haven’t been. That being said, I heard I may hear in May or June if my job is cut. I don’t have other endorsements and my subject matter is pretty unmarketable. I tried venturing into the private sector but I didn’t find anything.

My wife and I are on the verge of divorce and, by extension, my kids hate me as she has literally turned them against me. I want to move out but I don’t have money to support myself as all of my salary goes into the family. My district pays me just the first year teacher even though I have been there for four years. They cite some statue that prevents me from getting pay increases for whatever reason. I think it’s because I didn’t go the traditional route of being a teacher. I love my job though and cherish it and exceptionally good at it. To help support us, I do DoorDash, I tutor online, do Amazon flex, and do custodial work for the school on breaks. That being said, my wife blows my paycheck on stuff for her and the kids which is fine but sometimes; it’s too much. I wear old clothes mostly and drive a beat up old car, ride a bike, or walk. She drives a 2023 car that she wanted to purchase.

I spend most of my time in my office where I have a blow up mattress and that’s where I sleep. Due to my schedule, I may not see the family for days on end but, when I do, my wife nags and antagonizes me and my kids mock me. I don’t even get a dinner so I go days without eating something. While I could get food, as I said, most of my money goes into the food that they are eating. If I eat something, the wife gets upset at me. She says “if you want to eat, buy your own food. Not the food on got for me and the kids.” I would but she spends $200 on food per week and so if I do, I usually at peanut butter sandwiches or slices of cheese. I don’t often wash my clothes as she gets pissed off if I do so I have to do it at the laundromat which I do between doordashing.

I want to move into a hotel but I can’t afford it. Even my wife wants me to move out but I can’t. Especially as I pay 1,400 for the place per month.

Then my health is failing me. I am constantly having headaches and fatigue. My stomach feels like shit. I have the shakes. I don’t have any hair left and im getting hives across my body. And I am losing eyesight in my right eye. I have healthcare via work but it’s crap, because of bad financial decisions, I’m in debt so I’m scared to go more into debt by trying to fix my eye. I also have heart palpations, mental issues, and numerous other ailments that I try to ignore through sheer will power.

I know all of these are tied together but I’m literally one more broken dish from going postal. I put on a good face for work as I am an educator but I’m drained mentally, emotionally, and physical. After work, I pick up my other jobs until bedtime. I do this in hopes I could buy myself something or not stress out when we are close to the red zone in our bank account as I created a cushion. But nope, she drains those funds too. I tried opening my own bank account that I can funnel money into but she found out and jumped on me about it. She accused me of trying to find a second family. Oh, yeah, I don’t even have a sex drive anymore. Even if I did want to, it doesn’t even function anymore (sorry for the tmi).

Sorry for the rant but, as I said, my parents say that it’s my fault for being like this and it’s the husbands job to grin and bare it. My wife obviously could care less if I lived or died as do my kids. They both literally said that it would make them all happy if I died. I have friends but they live far away and have happy lives with families. I get along with my coworkers but I’m wary about opening up to them as I don’t want to be removed for being “mentally unsound”. My students mean a lot to me and I formed a connection to them. I will be honest that my classroom is what’s keeping me grounded at the moment.