29M. Long depression that was ignored.

Hello everyone. I would just like to tell you a little bit about my depression.

First I want to say about the doctors in my country where I lived, they are terrible. Depression, ADHD and other diagnoses are missing as a fact when you are diagnosed. No one wants to deal with your condition or help you, nothing.

A couple of months ago, I found a psychologist and a psychiatrist who actually started to help me a little bit.

Let me say something about my depressed self.

It is very painful to realize deep down how you are destroying your own life. It causes feelings of depression, anger, shame and powerlessness. In addition, it started quite a long time ago, maybe about 15 years ago, when I was still a teenager. I never had the opportunity to pursue my own interests, only what my mother would say. Hyper-parenting, I think that's what they call it.

I always had this expectation of obligation to do something I didn't want to do. I had regular tantrums because of that. Also, I finished school, and then I didn't understand where to go next, what I wanted. I went to a private college. I didn't know or want to study there. Likewise, I finished half the course and dropped out.

And then I did exactly nothing, I tried to work part-time, I tried to develop somehow, but it was all in vain. I always had an affinity for computers, technology, and the conviction that it is necessary to know the basic sciences in life: physics, mathematics.

Due to the fact that at school I was always afraid of appearing stupid or unintelligent - I was afraid to ask the teachers anything, afraid of aggression from their side, and so I had huge gaps in school knowledge and every time it got harder until I just gave up.

All this time, I've kept my emotions far away, and in the end, I don't know what I feel, except fear and shame.

All this history with school and the fear that I would be somehow insulted for not understanding - it affected the fact that I could not learn. I literally have a hard time.