Today, I properly prayed for the first time in the last few years.

I've been an Ex-Muslim since around mid 2021 and I stopped praying properly around that time as well. I would fake pray in public gatherings or Jummah, but I never did wudu or actually recited anything during prayer and just lipsynced or waffled nonsense for fun. After moving to a Non-Muslim country, as well later, the thought of prayer never even came across for the most part.

Recently, I've experienced a stressful few weeks and I've endured extreme burnout while still having a heavy workload. Earlier today I was experiencing another depressive episode (I've struggled with my mental health for some time now) and I suddenly thought back to the feeling of peace I felt after prayer (basically the same feeling when you open your eyes after a good long meditation session). I notice especially during Maghrib (Or sunset) I feel the most at peace, although I attribute that more so to the fact I used to pray nearby the windows of my house, and it had a really good view, which looked even better during sunset. Something in me just told me to pray today when it was time for Maghrib which I did. I made wudu, made sure I was wearing appropriate clothing, made the effort to find the qiblah, put my prayer mat near my window and prayed Maghrib for the first time in a few years. After prayer I just sat on the floor on my prayer mat (Yes, my family made me take one abroad. Don't ask why I kept it :p) for like a good 30 minutes just reflecting. I notice some sense of that peace I once felt, but it was nowhere near as strong as it was when I prayed as a believer. For some time, I always wondered that even though I know Islam is still bs. Why did I always feel calm and at peace after prayer?

Although praying made me realize that I really had overcome the feeling that god was there to an extent. Especially, after prayer as I felt disappointed that the peace I once had was no longer as strong as it used to be when I was a believer. I'm just glad I basically get that same feeling when I meditate, as if I didn't, I think I would start to miss prayers oddly enough.