I’ve been suicidal for years but my life isn’t even that bad????

For years I’ve wanted to not exist so bad. I’m not going to do anything cause I know it will make my friends/family really upset if someone dies, but I really really wish I could just vanish from existence without making anyone upset or causing any inconvenience.

The basic parts of life just all feel so exhausting: like making sure I eat enough so im not underweight when i literally NEVER have the energy to make/eat food; making sure I stay hygienic so I don’t constantly feel like shit and become even uglier than I already am; having to find time to sleep that doesn’t also get in the way of school and socialising. I have to do all these things JUST to stay alive and no one else seems to ever find it difficult??

And then school work and planning for my future. I’m doing art, biology and chemistry A-level, and while I enjoy learning and creating, it’s so difficult trying to stay afloat when the workload never seems to end. And it’s getting to the point where we all need to begin thinking about jobs and university, but I’m so scared for my future when I have ZERO social skills or knowledge about how the world/money/technology work. My family has really high expectations of me because (so far) I’ve been pretty good academically, but I’m so scared that I’m not gonna be able to keep up. And with how the uk economy is rn, idk how long it could be before I’m able to become financially independent and move out (which I DESPERATELY want to do)

And then on top of that I have to live inside my body forever. I hate how I look so much, it’s not even that I’m just being insecure, I KNOW that other people don’t think of me as pretty. I hate how no matter what I do I’ll always be perceived as something I don’t want to be. And it’s not even like I can just exercise or eat better, because 99% of my insecurities are all bone structure, and I’m stuck with my bones for the rest of my life and nothing will ever change that. (Gender dysphoria is also probably making this worse, but the NHS barely gives a shit about it so it’ll be 4 years MINIMUM before I can ever get anything to help, and even then HRT can only do so much)

I used to think that things might get better in the future, but I’m constantly reminded by adults how everything just gets worse and worse. And housing/the economy/politics definitely aren’t getting any better. So what’s the point? If I’m upset now and I’m gonna be upset in the future what is even the point of staying alive other than to not upset my friends and family by killing myself?

(I’m autistic so maybe that has a part) but no one else ever seems so exhausted and upset by normal everyday living. There are people with genuinely bad things happening in their life and they’re still mostly fine? Idk why I hate my life so much when compared to many others my life is honestly GOOD?? Like am I just being pessimistic???? is it the autism???

I seriously don’t know what to do. I really can’t go on doing this for another 50+ years.