What does this say abt me

Ik this will seem weird asf, don’t judge me. When I’m not doing well mentally, I want to b an escort or a hoe not for the reasons u think well obviously to b rich but because I want affection and validation lol and also because… this is weird asf, but everytime I feel lonely or have low self esteem I want to force myself to have sex with men although I don’t want to (not sure I’m attracted to them since I feel extreme pain and discomfort and absolutely hate and it disgusts me just even think abt being w them intimately) as form of self harm. Why am I like this?