I let my mom influence the best relationship I ever had. It ended - as did her pregnancy. I am broken.

I let my mother's influence ruin the best relationship I've ever had. I am broken.

I'm a 27-year-old male who recently went through a heartbreaking breakup with my 26-year-old partner. Before the pregnancy, our relationship was incredible. We were inseparable, discussing moving in together, planning vacations, and sharing holidays with each other's families. We communicated openly, resolving any differences through heartfelt conversations.​

However, 6 months into the relationship, she became pregnant. Everything changed. At this same time, my partner had accepted a job in Maryland, while I was based in Pennsylvania and we were both living in PA. This geographical challenge required careful planning and compromise. We tried having conversations about it - but it seemed as if, for the first time in the relationship, we weren't hearing each other. While I was intent on staying in the PA area, she was committed to her job in MD that was set to start in May. I suggested job opportunities for her up here, but she had already looked and didn’t find anything that fit what she was looking for. I argued that PA was a better place to raise our child, but she countered that childcare would be much easier in MD since she had a friend who could help. Every time I thought I had an answer, she had a response. Instead of working through it with her, I leaned on my mother.

My mom told me that if my partner wasn’t willing to compromise, I should remind her that she couldn’t take my child across state lines without my permission. Even at the time, I knew that was legally inaccurate. I knew that she did have that right. But I still said it. I felt like she wasn’t compromising (even though, in reality, we had only had one conversation about it), so I foolishly followed my mother’s advice and conveyed it to my partner. That moment shattered her trust in me. It was the first time she ever yelled at me, stood up, got in my face, and even said she would take my last name off everything for the baby. That’s when I knew I had created an emotionally unsafe environment for her. I felt horrible. From that moment forward, it felt like our emotional connection was severed. We tried to rebuild it, but I could tell it was never the same.

The next week, she broke up with me and told me she was getting an abortion.

I told my mom about the breakup, and instead of helping me reflect on why it happened, she put the idea in my head that my ex was going to keep the baby, move to MD, and never get the abortion she had told me she was planning. My mom suggested I ask for abortion paperwork. I did. And I immediately felt awful. Right after, I texted my ex and told her how I really felt—how much I loved her, how much I valued our relationship, and how much I would miss her. She responded. And for the first time in weeks, it was a positive response.

The next day, we had a three-hour conversation. I thought, maybe, there was hope. During that conversation, my mom texted my ex herself, asking for the abortion paperwork, saying she had a dream of being a grandmother. My ex was furious. She assumed that my mom and I were colluding against her. We weren’t. I told her I would send her screenshots to prove it. I sent them. But in those screenshots, even though I had told my mom not to send that message, there was one from my mom saying that she and her boyfriend would drive down to MD in a few months to check if my ex was lying about the abortion.

That was it. That was the final straw.

My ex told me I should write my mom a thank you letter for officially ending everything—our relationship and the pregnancy.

And she’s right.

I cannot believe I chose my mother over my partner—the woman who was going to be the mother of my child. I cannot believe I let my mother’s paranoia dictate my actions. My partner never gave me a reason to doubt her, but when my mom did, I believed her. I followed her advice. And now I have lost everything.

I have since gone no contact with my mom—not because she is entirely at fault, but because I finally realize how much she negatively influences me. I cannot have her in my life if I want to have a healthy relationship in the future. If I ever want to find someone remotely close to what I had, I need to change.

But right now? I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to live with the fact that I ruined the most meaningful relationship I’ve ever had. I don’t know how to move past the overwhelming regret, knowing that I was the one who caused it all to fall apart.

Does it ever get better? Have any of you ever messed up so badly that you lost someone you deeply love—someone you built a future with? How did you deal with it? Because right now, I don’t know how I’m supposed to.