Married and trying to make a joint decision

i apologize in advance that I am not the best story-teller. I (28)F and my husband (26)M have been married 5 years and have 2 kids already. A boy and a girl. I never wanted more than that. ESPECIALLY with how difficult our youngest has been. I was supposed to be on the birth control patch but I messed up and put it on 48 hours late and now have found myself unexpectedly pregnant. When I first found out I went to my husband and told him bawling my eyes out because we both know we did not want this and let him bring up the option of abortion because we are in Texas, US. At first he seemed on board although, did seem a little emotional about it. (He is very emotional and I am very logical) I went ahead and bought the abortion pull online and had it shipped to a fedex pick-up in New Mexico (only an hour from me ) and picked it up without communicating that to him, but of course wasn’t going to take the pills before talking to him one more time. I brought it up again and he said he had talked to a therapist (I had encouraged him to and sent him several therapists in our network) and said when he talked to the therapist, he said that it seemed we both wanted different things but he was just leaving it up to me so that way it didn’t ruin our marriage. This is not how I thought he felt at ALL. I knew he felt a little guilt, but I thought he was onboard with my decision. Anyways, the therapist suggested we both write a pros and cons list for having the baby and sit down together and make sure this is a joint decision, which I agree with, but I worry this isn’t going to get us anywhere closer to a joint decision and this is obviously a time sensitive situation. So far, my pros list has like 5 very superficial items and my cons list is 30 items long and very valid reasons. I guess I just need someone else to talk to about this.

A few of my cons: -I am so close to a huge promotion at my job and a 50% pay raise and I think being pregnant would stop this progression -I am the main caregiver for our kids now and I already feel overwhelmed as is. -We would have to put a 6 week old in daycare and I’ve never had to leave an infant that soon and it gives me anxiety -We would need a bigger car and I would want a bigger house and camper to accommodate -Our youngest is not potty trained and having to change 2 sets of diapers just stresses me out. -The world is built for families of 4 -We would be outnumbered. Which brings up a whole other list of things. -The world and economy is shit. (Need I say more?)

• We have no “village” I could go on and on and on , but I won’t

My 5 pros which carry no real weight in my mind: -A bigger family at holidays -Someone for our youngest to play with -My friend and I would be pregnant together -I could have the natural birth I wanted with our 2nd -I could get my tubes tied after since we will reach our deductible -Special treatment when pregnant 😂

I don’t know what to do.