the difficult reality of growing up having to guide yourself through life

im so tired of this reality im living in. im 25 and i have grown up having to feel things others my age or even older haven't felt. my loneliness runs so deep and even though i have parents who are alive it feels like im parentless because of their neglect and their lack of support. im tired of having to raise myself and constantly constantly constantly seeing the people around me still being supported by their parents, their parents trying to do what they can to help their kids futures. meanwhile my life? i was just pushed aside before i was even an adult. i have been neglected and let down and my life has been hurt to the point i feel like at 25 my life is over. in my head i know im "young, i have opportunity, im just beginning" etc etc but in my heart i feel like im done for, the hope is gone, the life i saw for myself. in a nutshell, i feel like damaged goods. because that's what i've been made to feel by those who were supposed to help me.

i was tended to and attention was given to me by my family when i was small and still able to be controlled and not able to think independently. but it changed as i got older and became a person in my own right. that's when the trouble started to increase. and when i had my mental breakdown at 16 after years of trauma. then i started to be treated like i was broken because i was no longer the able, model child they wanted. and they started to "give up hope" in me more and more. because i wasn't what they wanted. i didn't turn out how they wanted me to be. wounds I'm still trying to heal from.

so many promises they made. broken or completely ignored. the biggest one was that they would help my future by giving me a better life. we live in a developing, troubled country and nearly the dream of the average person here is to go abroad than life a life of suffering here. parents send their children abroad for higher education and they are eventually able to reside in countries that are better than the one we come from. that's what they told me, from when i was young that was the vision for my life that was fed to me. and i did everything i had to do from my en for it. but when it came to them, they just went back on their word. and i wasn't provided any support or closure from this life altering news. and it was added trauma for me. im still trying to heal and even now it's so difficult to get through my days. everything reminds me of how i was just discarded, let down and they didn't care it was just like nothing for them, and i have to see other parents do all this and more for their kids and it breaks me because it's not that i was undeserving of that. but I don't always have the energy to remind myself of that.

my dream still is to go abroad but i can't. and i feel so trapped. i have to be in this place with them, because of them. i have no means to live my dreams while i am surrounded by those who are being helped to live theirs.

it's so hard to live life this way i feel like im being shot in the chest constantly