14 months post break up: finally starting to feel like myself again

TL;DR: I broke up with my ex 14 months ago. It's been miserable. Today I finally turned a corner and am starting to feel like myself again for the first time since before we broke up. If you're struggling with leaving, you're not alone.

Hey everyone, I've been seeing more break up posts recently, either by those about to leave or those who just left. My heart goes out to all of you - the early days are the worst! - and while I'm angry for you that you find yourselves here, I'm happy you have this community to bolster you.

I left my PA ex 14 months ago. I'm not very active in this sub, mostly just read and sometimes I comment. I've left and re-joined the sub at least 3 times because, since I wasn't with my ex anymore, I wasn't sure I "should" still be here. But it's helpful to me to be a part of this community, so I think I'll stay a while. I recently posted seeking advice about my ex's current behaviors and gave a brief recap of the end of our relationship/what he's been up to since. That break up was the single worst thing to ever happen to me and before all this I would still consider myself to have lived through some shit, but nothing like this.

Suffice it to say, leaving is no picnic. Even in strict no contact. It's been 14 heavy months of loss after loss, chronic grief, acute pain, endless mindfuckery, and feeling so, so isolated a lot of the time. I (correctly) felt like no one in my real life understood what I was experiencing. I didn't want my ex back but I missed my old life; I missed what I thought we had, who I thought he was, and mourned the future I thought we would have, all day every day. And that was with all the resources and energy I was dedicating to healing intentionally: CSAT, S-Anon, books, workbooks, self care, etc. For 14 months my only priority has been my recovery and everything else is secondary or on hold altogether.

Today, FINALLY, after FOURTEEN MONTHS, I felt for the first time, deep in my heart and in every fiber of my being, like I really believe I am better off without my ex (who, in case you didn't read my other post, never really tried for recovery). I am FINALLY starting to feel like myself again. I can feel the trauma fog lifting and the fear tentacles loosening their stranglehold over me for the first time in 14 months. It's the breakthrough I've been blindly hoping would come for such a long time. I'm sure I will still have my moments. I'm sure I'm not fully in the clear yet, but it's such a massive relief to have reached this point.

I'm sharing with you all in case someone else is struggling with any point in the leaving process. In case you're feeling like you should be farther along, wondering if you'll ever stop thinking about him, or if you want more than ANYTHING to move on already, I'm here to tell you to just keep going. Keep putting one wobbly little foot in front of the other in the direction you want to be someday, and keep taking care of yourself first. Love yourself first. You've been through so much, and it takes so much out of you to heal. Keep going for you. You deserve it.