i think i love my groomer

i (13f) actually think i love my groomer (24m) and i feel so guilty about it. ive cried over him because he makes me feel nasty and dirty. i almost killed myself because of him. but i just cant get myself to leave him.. he ignores me often and only talks to me when i give him want he wants. he always talks about how curvy i am and when i dont do what he wants he ignores me and gets mad at me. my mom knows i was talking to him but she doest know im still in contact with him. i feel like everything is all my fault and i feel like this is all ill ever amount to. my mom tells me its my fault too and that i know better. i cant let go of him and i dont know why.