I just wish I had a girlfriend.

I don't want people to reply or anything I just need to vent

I've never had anyone in my life who's cared about me genuinely. My birth-giver abused me, my real dad didn't care enough to fight for me to take me from her, my several step dads abused tf out of me because who doesn't love beating the shit out of the step son, I never got to make friends because everyone just bullied the hell out of me because I was/am fat and have LONG HAIR, they fucking bullied me because of my hair! THEY SLAMMED ME AROUND THE FUCKING SCHOOL HALLS BECAUSE I HAVE LONG HAIR and was a damn teachers pet but the fucking teachers bullied me too, they'd just make fun of me anytime I got a question wrong and make me feel like I was a fucking idiot and telling my birth-giver and step dad anytime I showed up to school not ok which just caused me to get beaten as soon as I got home.

I've always been nice to people, I love hearing people talk but no one ever wants to talk to me, I want to talk to people but no one ever wants to listen, I don't just go around trauma dumping to people or anything. I try to have interests I can talk about but now I just feel so empty that I can't enjoy things.

Now I have no social skill, no personal skills, I hate myself so fucking much, I barely have functioning memory, I don't even get to remember what I eat for breakfast but I can always remember getting beaten. I don't believe I can become better, I can't trust anyone which just makes trying to have friends hard as shit but it doesn't matter because when I try to make friends they just push me away from them and leave me, I never feel safe anywhere because I have been in the worst situations and I'm always assuming something else is about to happen, I've been fucking shot at when I was a kid, so many car crashes, I almost died because my birth-giver didn't care enough about me in pain to take me to a hospital till I was screaming until the neighbors could hear me and on the way to the hospital she was just cussing me out the whole damn time, guess what! I HAD APPENDICITIS AND HAD I GOTTEN THERE ANY BIT LATER I WOULD HAVE DIED! she slammed me against a wall because I was sick and didn't want to go to school that day but she'd let my sister stay home from school whenever she wanted and would take her where ever she wanted and get her fucking anything. they went to the cheesecake factory when me and my sister were kids, my sister got to skip school and they went there and when I got back from school they BOTH were laughing at me about how I didn't get to go. I've never heard someone tell me they love me and genuinely mean it. I wanted to believe my birth-giver was on my side for 17 years of my life. I stopped thinking that when she said words that will stick with me for the rest of my life, "you should have been beaten more as a kid". I cut off communication with her after that but she kept finding ways to harass me.

So I just wish I could find one person who doesn't want to hurt me but it won't ever happen. this isn't a me searching post or anything weird, it's just the truth for me. Everyone I know leaves me, hurts me, or worse hurts me and refuses to leave. the harder I fight against my loneliness, it's like the world does everything it can to remind me I can't escape it. I'm done fighting against it. I swear to whatever is out there, be it the apparent entity in heaven that's supposed to love everyone and refused to even talk to me as I was begging for help, or an endless nothingness after I die, I'm done trying.