Is my new relationship is giving red flags, or am I being oversensitive/hypervigilant because of my past relationship with a narcissist?

Hi, I'm new to Reddit so this is my first post. Please be kind! :) I am F/35.

Between 2017-2021 I was in a relationship with a man who I now understand to be a narcissist; he put me down, compared me to other women (particularly exes), isolated me socially, cheated, lied to me and got drunk and aggressive with me, one time physically. I left him in August 2021 and spent a few years single, healing and processing, and slowly rebuilding my confidence through work, friends and occasional dating.

In November 2024 I met my now-boyfriend (M/36). It is worth noting that he is sober, having given up alcohol two years ago and he goes to AA. His deceased father was also an alcoholic which would've been traumatic for New Boyfriend when he was a child. I am incredibly proud and supportive of his recovery and always give him a safe space to open up about this.

We dated November-early January, when he ended things due to feeling he had 'too much on his plate'; his very full-on job, a house renovation, his sobriety, and then of course, his relationship with me. I completely understand this, having turned to Reddit and other forums at the time; when someone enters into recovery they must prioritise their sobriety above all else and between that, our relationship, his job and his home, it makes sense that I was the only thing he could 'drop'.

We got back together in February and all has been lovely since. I have recently gone self-employed in my job and am therefore without a salary while I build up my client base/income. New Boyfriend earns well and is happy to pick up the bill for dates while I am relying on savings to pay my household bills, which is very generous of him. He is also very good at keeping his word, so when we agree to see each other/spend time at the weekends he always follows through with the plans. He is affectionate, kind and supportive, always telling me I'm going to be so successful with my work, that I'm beautiful, funny, cute, pretty, etc. We talk about the future, particularly things like living together one day and getting a dog so we can go on walks/adventures together. I feel prioritised, valued and adored. A stark contrast to The Ex.

In the last week, though, I have picked up on a few comments and I don't know whether these are red flags or whether I'm just hypervigilant due to my past relationship, and possibly in an emotionally sensitive part of my cycle?!

1. I opened up to New Boyfriend about The Ex cheating during a talk about my relationship with New Boyfriend. He initially asked why/how that relates to our current relationship, but ultimately thanked me for opening up to him and reassured me that we are secure and I'm safe with him. The question around 'why' I was telling him, though, rubbed me up the wrong way!

2. When we first got back together we both talked about having rejoined a dating app and he'd said at that time that he'd matched with a few girls and messaged them, but no dates. On Friday when we were together at his house, he said that he did in fact go on one date. When I said this was contrary to what he'd told me previously, he said he'd thought he'd told me, or at least he couldn't remember saying he hadn't gone any further than messaging with anyone. (Part of me thought 'gaslighting' at this point, but in my more sympathetic moments I'm wondering whether he was scared to tell me at the time, but now feels more comfortable as we've had so many frank and honest conversations since getting back together, whereas before we were more fun, light-hearted, surface-level dating. Like does he just feel safer with me now than he did mid-Feb?).

3. I use gradual tan, and he mentioned while we were messaging last night that he doesn't like fake tan, joking that he was 'banning' me from using it. Admittedly I used a darker tanning product in December and January that wasn't great lol but now I use a subtle gradual tanner. He commented last night via WhatsApp on how lovely my skin is and said I'm good without the tan. (I'm thinking he thinks my gradual-tanned self is the real me lol so I think that's what he's referring to when he says he likes my natural skin; I don't think he's seen me with no tan at all!) This one might seem trivial but after being controlled by The Ex for a few years, this had to make the list...

4. I'm meeting a male business connection today for a coffee, who I've never met before. On the phone this morning New Boyfriend commented, saying something like "You're seeing your South African today aren't you!" which again, could've been nothing but my hypervigilance is thinking "Oh God, is he going to start getting jealous and possessive of me?!" PS he's wasn't referring to his nationality out of any sort of racism/xenophobia, just that this was the only characteristic I have mentioned to New Boyfriend about the business contact.

So, what are your thoughts? Am I onto something here, or am I oversensitive/spiralling as a result of my past relationship? And also because I'm in my Luteal phase lol?! I've been so loved up and excited for the future for the last six weeks, but in the last few days I'm now questioning everything...

Worth noting also that he quit vaping on Saturday so he is probably a little irritable right now, in the first few days of stopping nicotine!