Sucking dick is my biggest turn-on

I (22F) have a boyfriend, and I love him like, genuinely. He treats me well he makes me laughh, and the sex is great. But I have this thing. I don’t even know what to call it anymore. An obsession? A fetish? Whatever it is, it started years ago and it’s only gotten worse.

I’m addicted to sucking dick. It started back in high school. I was curious and kind of horny all the time, and one day during a hookup with my boyfriend at the time, he just pulled it out and I went for it. No hesitation. I was nervous, but also so turned on. The second I wrapped my lips around him and saw his reaction… I was hooked I fucking loved it. And when he finished in my mouth, I didn’t gag or spit it out like my friends said they did. I swallowed, and I liked it.

After that, I was the girl who gave head instead of having sex. I was scared of getting pregnant, so this felt like the perfect loophole

But over the years, it became more than just a thing I did for my boyfriend. It became something I craved for me. Like I’d fantasize about it all the time. I’d imagine being on my knees in risky places, parking lots, public bathrooms, parties. Sometimes I’d watch porn just to see the blowjob scenes. I got off on it

Fast forward to now. I’m 22, in a stable relationship… and still sneaking around to suck other guys off.

It’s not like I don’t want my boyfriend I do. I go down on him all the time. But it’s like this itch that won’t go away. I’ve snuck guys over while he’s at work. I’ve sucked off strangers in parked cars. Once I hooked up with a guy I met at the gym in the back stairwell. I don’t even always want to fuck them. Just use my mouth and make them lose control.

A few nights ago, my friend invited me to this sketchy house party and said, “You’ll love it. You can be your nasty self.” She knows about my fetish, kinda. I wasn’t planning on doing anything crazy, but after a few drinks… I snapped. One guy turned into two. Then three. I ended up on my nees, covered in cum, jaw sore, mascara running. I went home feeling disgusting. I told myself I was done.

Then the next week, I did it again.

My boyfriend has no idea. I feel guilty sometimes, but not guilty enough to stop. Honestly? I get off just thinking about the next time. I know it’s fucked. I know if he finds out, he’ll leave me. But at the same time I'm a girl who lives to suck dick. What did he expect?

Anyway. Needed to get that out. Judge me or don’t