First time really opening up with my therapist, and now I’m spiraling. She thinks it was abuse. Was it?

Hi all,

TW: mentions of potential molestation and pedophilia. Mentions of potential abuse, and verbal/emotional abuse.

I don’t have a lot of people in my life I can turn to, and I left therapy feeling like I could move on from our session and cope but I’m finding myself really fragile and ruminating today. I’m hoping the community here can help me better wrap my head around some memories we discussed in session today.

I have been seeing a therapist for a few months, and have been in and out of therapy since I was about 13. I really struggled emotionally as a kid, and I’m thinking the abuse went further than just verbal and emotion.

Last session, I had mentioned that my dad had a friend who would often babysit for me. He would have been in his mid to late thirties. I don’t remember much, but I remember he’d buy me food and snacks I wasn’t “allowed” to have and it was our secret. I learned later in life, a few years ago, that he was arrested in a sting operation for attempting to meet up with one of their undercover officers who was posing as a 12 year old online. Unfortunately, charges were dropped as his father was a high profile lawyer who got involved. I would have been about 8-10 when he babysat for me. We determined and I have always believed that it was probably grooming behavior on his part. I really loved to “hang out” with him. Despite this arrest and my dad’s knowledge of it, he still continued their friendship.

This session, the topic of my dad came up. I have been no contact with him for almost a decade now. I do keep in contact with siblings and my mother, who has since divorced him due to his abusive behavior. I shared that he was really controlling, asking about my sex life, my friends’ sex lives as early as middle school. He would constantly smack and grab my butt, even through my early years of college despite my insistence that he stop. Then, I shared that we shared a bed until I was about 12. My therapist’s face kind of sank. I can’t remember anything particularly incriminating, and it kills me. I remember he often encouraged me to get naked if I complained I was hot. I remember if I complained that I was cold, he’d have me stick my feet in his boxers. He always slept in the nude or in boxers. It was only ever my father that coslept with me, never my mom. And it was always my room. When I started expressing wanting to grow up and sleep alone around 9/10, he was disproportionately angry with me. Around 12, he finally let up a little, but would sleep outside of my bedroom door often, and often come in and sleep with me after I was already asleep.

My mom was always home as a stay at home mom. She’s from a different culture, where bed sharing is a little more common. However, it’s usually the whole family in that culture. She is certainly enmeshed with my youngest brother- to the point I suspect emotional incest. My brother has done a decent job of setting boundaries with her. I have a very complicated relationship with my mom, but haven’t chosen to cut her off yet due to my siblings. But I can’t help but wonder if she really truly had no inkling something was wrong?

My therapist seems to think that what I described fits in the definition of molestation, at a minimum. Does it? I’ve brought some of these things up in a very watered down way with my mom, but she doesn’t recall most of it, or has said that I’m blowing some pieces out of proportion.

Thank you for any insight and advice. I’m really struggling today.