i believe im genuinely a groomer

hi! im sorry if this makes no sense, im not very good at english!

so im 15f and i feel like im genuinely becoming a groomer. i was groomed by my bf when i was 8, and ever since then ive been afraid of becoming a groomer or pedophoile or anything like that.

i have a friend who is younger than me by a few years, and theyve been groomed before. i love them more than i love myself, and i care about them a lot. but lately ive been having mental health issues again, and i felt i was going to relapse as i am bulimic. so i texted them 'hey, i may or may not die today since i am going to relapse today' and that was so stupid of me. they immeditely started panicking and i realized i should not have done that. i know this is a tactic used by many groomers, telling their victim that they may die or get hurt so the victim gets extremely worried and vulnurable so the groomer can take advantage of them. i feel like thats what im doing, even if that isnt my intent.. i dont want to be a groomer but im so scared that i am one.

i have been accused of grooming them before, since there was one point in time where i was ignoring them because i was having a bpd split and i was convinced they hated me.. i really do not want to be a groomer or pedophile or anything similiar.

sorry if this doesnt belong in this subreddit. i do not have anyone i can talk to about this.