Literally too scared to go to the first appointment tomorrow after only bad experiences.

Please can anyone give me some braveness. I am trying to change my therapist atmo. My last one was super kind but did not take me really serious (and yes its my fault as well).

I really need help and I am suicidal. But when I step outside. In this second I am masking completely and unintentionally. So I am “fine“ when I sit in front of a therapist. But can talk very honest and open about my normal (suicidal) feelings and status inside me. I just cant express them with my body language. But literally 90% of the therapist dont believe me or think I am fine. I hate myself for that.

I cant function normally and I went trough heavy dv. My whole life is on a stall because i am so exhausted and depressed… I am so scared, even when I know i need help. So many times i got stupid comments of them…

And i already tell them before that I do unintentionally mask. I just talk about suicidal thoughts like about my fav films. And i hate myself. I am so close to cancel it tomorrow again. I am scared they will kick in my face again and tell me I am just fine. When I am not.