Just vent cause I just turn 19

I’m tired of myself, because I know that even though I complain about everything, I’m not going to do anything. I know it, I know myself. I haven’t done anything in years, so why would I do something now? Cause I'm stupid Idk how to drive and I never have a job but I need fucking experience but how I will have experience if I can't get one, what the hell matter if I'm studying for my associate in psychology, if in my first semester I make it to the dean's list, it doesn't matter that won't give me money or whatever I should be or doing right now. I’ve only been 19 for 4 days, and I hate it, damn it. I should have my own apartment, or already be married, or have kids. What the hell should I be doing now? I’ve done nothing, I’ve lived nothing, and I have no idea how to do it. I don’t even want to do it. I want to break something and scream. My 13-year-old self, when I was diagnosed with depression, always thought I’d die during my 18s, but I’ve passed them, and it feels weird to think that I’m 19. I wasn’t supposed to be here, and I can’t leave because I’m afraid of dying and I don’t want to leave my 10-year-old brother with a trauma, my whole family is worried about me right now cause I just fall into a depressed episode again, and I just know I'm anorexic right now, I hate growing up, I love my family, we need had much money, but they are there for me, but now I'm just burden for them.