F20 been a month since we broke up M20. I almost died with the pain for a month and suddenly one night I realised.

I’ve had a difficult relationship. With a guy who’s once physically hurt me, several times blackmailed me and, overall was a manipulative person. In the beginning I had rejected him once but we started talking again that led to a 4 month talking stage- 4 month no contact and 3 months of dating and it was just highs and lows, my already depressed self was emotionally abused to an extent I only seeked validation from him, and he loved me a lot but treated me like shit as well. Just highs and lows. Something that destroyed my nervous system. I finally left and 10 days there was a huge drama with his friends and my friends, shouting, rumours , made up stories that led to me becoming so affected I just disappeared. Simply. And my family asked him to never contact me. I blocked him and asked him to do the same and since my family was so serious he complied. And i for some crazy attachment reason, used to cry and die every night, wishing he’d contact me. One night when I decided to “let go” just let it be cause the pain was so much I realised. I don’t even look at his pictures anymore, nor do I even think of him tbh, no good memories I’m replaying. Like when you loose a love you do all that? I’m just obsessing over why he’s not contacting me, (am I not worth it sorta thing) and I realised, is this even love? Isn’t this me realising the only thing I used to seek from him being validation by the end of the relationship. Ngl I loved him a lot and I’m sure about it but he treated me so bad by the end I think I’d lost myself in the routine of going back to him and leaving, seeking validation and the highs and lows, so by the end I was already gone. And since this realisation struck. I’m also realising I’m only replaying the parts he hurt me so badly, because, the way I say “ I don’t love myself “ I do? I replay them cause I know my heart, ego, myself were so affected, I didn’t deserve it. He was controlling, me on the other hand used to think of love as free, someone you explain your likes and dislikes to, your boundaries to, and they choose to honour or disrespect it, not force someone to go ur way or you won’t love them. I’d lost my brains I think in this cycle of pain. I woke up suddenly. It feels great. Ofc my childhood wounds played a lot in this dynamic but, just a few nights before I was so depressed and thinking of giving up. Please remember it gets better. I’d never imagined me saying this. But it does