Struggling but strong WANT to return to God

Im 30. I used to feel so close to God when I was a teenager. I got farther and farther as I got older. I've been at a point where I even doubt God for a long time. I have felt God knocking at my door and I recently went to a women's church retreat; I randomly said yes even though I didn't want to go. Since then, I have felt lighter and softer in heart. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, but maybe guidance in how to look at this which is what I've been struggling for the longest time. Since I had my kids, i absolutely do not see how people can rape, torture, hurt kids. I DO NOT blame God for the fact that it happens. I know we have free will. But what I don't understand, is how people attribute God to miracles like curing someone of cancer, or sparing someone's like in an accident, etc etc. If he does those miracles, how come he won't save children from those horrible things? Also, When people say they pray for someone to get better when they're sick, why do they pray? If God already chose to save them or let them die, what's the point of praying about it? I hate that I have these thoughts. Maybe I'll never have the answers and just lean on faith. But I've always had to look at things from every single angle, and I just do not understand those things.

Please only encouraging or trying to help responses ❤️ I've had all the doubts you can think of, I don't need any more of it.