Relapsed after a year

I relapsed last night. 5 x’s. Immediately turned white, instead of red. Been going thru it. When I SH, I don’t feel guilty. It’s the only time I am able to feel something. You guys too? Been numb my whole life, thanks to trauma and Epilepsy. I slept all day today. Good thing I took a shower yesterday. 😅 anyways.. just wanted to get that out there. I’m 31 and haven’t SH in a year.