Did my father permanently change me?

I will try to keep the childhood explanation short: My dad was/ is an alcoholic, me and my mum are still living with him (in the process of moving house to get away from him). He hit my mum a maybe few times and when he did we would go to hotels as we couldn’t financially leave. I don’t remember much of my childhood but he was distant and the only memories i have of him are negative (eg drunk, abusive, angry).

My dad has something wrong with him mental health wise and he physically cannot believe/admit that he has done anything wrong to me which is very hard to live with. He has never admitted any abuse and can’t even admit that he is an alcoholic. (has been an alcoholic for 25+ years and had 2 heart attacks in 2021-2022).

Somewhere around 6-10(?) when i would occasionally sneak into parents bed my dad sexually assaulted me in bed next to my mother. This happened a few times although he was half asleep. The one time he opened his eyes and looked he looked shocked and said “sh*t” and turned around and went to sleep. I don’t know if it’s because it was an accident or because i woke up and he was shocked but yeah. I never told anyone about this and it was never spoken about. I was simply such a shy child that i was too nervous to do anything. Also i will mention that this experience was blocked out of my memory until maybe 2 years ago when i remembered.

As a child i was extremely socially anxious and constantly worried about things. I didn’t speak to anyone at school. If i was even a minute late to school i cried and shouted and wouldn’t go in because i was so embarrassed and worried about walking into my class late.

I am 17 now and i suspect heavily i have anxiety and depression, but i am worried that there is more wrong with me. It is so crippling to be so aware that there is something wrong but not know how to change it. I am very popular in school, i get straight A’s with no effort, i am very attractive, yet i still hate myself and my life so much.

I am so manipulative to everyone in my life. I lie constantly without being able to control myself. My last relationship i was so manipulative and mean. I self harmed multiple times purely for attention and to make whoever made me upset feel bad, i even attempted suicide JUST to make my boyfriend feel bad for not coming to my house to hangout. I already know how wrong and weird this is but i literally cannot control myself.

I don’t know how to do therapy, i have never spoken about my feelings with anyone. If i try or if i am forced, i cry before i can even talk about anything that’s happened to me. I am also worried that i will just lie and manipulate my therapist and therefore not get the right help.

I know something is different about me to other people but there will be months where i don’t leave my house and simply miss school to cry in bed and then there will be times where i convince myself this is just normal teen stuff. I have friends, i have boys wanting to date me, i should have a good and healthy brain right? Wtf is wrong with me and how can i change myself? Is my behaviour linked to some kind of trauma or am i just a bad person?