Attempting to get better is hard

I'm working into trying to heal obviously healing while still using harm reduction isn't really healing but it's the best I can do for now. Irrational fear of gaining and all drives me bonkers. I'm kind of trying to go for a small mellow state in harm reduction and by eating in high res to hopefully just let myself still feel better.

Feeling so hateful of what I look like and seeing it that way makes it harder. I'm going to try to go for a more semi normal way of losing weight (even if still rather low). But I started harm reduction in high res and I've started feeling better!! To me that's what matters right now until I can get more comfortable with the idea of recovery.

I'm scared of it but also have a fear of the health complications and I do not want to be hospitalized so I'm trying what I can. Yet I feel like I'm being screamed at in the ear that I'm eating to much still is rather annoying. Hopefully this gets better with time.