I suddenly realized why I’ve always had so much trouble getting myself to shower

I know personal hygiene issues are a normal symptom of depression, and that’s definitely part of it, but I just had a realization (in the shower lol) that I may also have an aversion to showering because for most of my life, the shower was where I went when bad things were happening.

It was basically the only private space in my home. I escaped to the shower anytime I couldn’t take being around the abuse. I did a lot of my crying and spiraling in there.

I wasn’t allowed to take naps in my home, so if I was ever desperately tired, I turned on the water and slept on the shower floor.

In high school, I used to get drunk in the shower to dull the pain. I’d get totally smashed and lay on the floor and cry.

I wish it had made me view the shower as my safe space, but I think it might’ve done the opposite. Showering feels like a terrible chore, and I have serious problems getting myself to do it.

It seems obvious now that I’ve thought of it, but it felt like a huge realization in the moment. I genuinely always kinda thought I had trouble with showers because I was gross and didn’t care about being dirty. But that’s never been true - I hate how I feel when I go for days without showering. Maybe now that I understand, I can do a better job helping myself work past it.