I feel so alone.

I (17M) feel so stupid writing this. I just feel alone. I am offing myself on June 15 for some symbolic meaning ig if anyone cares. It’s the day before my graduation and 2 days before my birthday. It will be a Sunday which is symbolically a day for new beginnings. So yeah. There is nothing left for me here. I came from a sort of decent family who loves and supports me. I have friends I think that like me. Actually, I don’t really know. But I just do not feel happy anymore. It sounds like an obvious case of major depressive disorder, but, medication and therapy is not working. I feel myself disassociating from everything. My dreams have become omens of my past and the world still spins. I have always wanted a boyfriend. I lie a lot about how many people I have dated. I wish I had my virginity(bodycount = 100+) and I am being so fr but I regret all of it. My personality is shit and honestly, I have thoughts that are really dark for me to admit. Same with things I have done. I believe in everything(religion) so I know where I am going in every religion. But weirdly enough. I see in my dreams, the lives of happiness after I die. How people will move on if I die. That is all I want. My mom to move on and be happy without me. It will be hard and I know that dearly, but it will be okay. I wish I was not so shallow but anxious at the same time. Maybe I would not have had so much stress. But, this world sucks. I want to be on my own personal island with all the plants I want and all the animals I want and no one around. I wish things could be different. I am at the point of being chronically mentally ill if that exists. I want to be a child. A girl, who lives in a southern colonial mansion, with the ability to do whatever she wants with endless possibilities. I want to be skinny, short, and beautiful. I want to have friends that ask to hang out with me and will not care if I do not talk the entire time. I want friends who are not weird to me(I told yall im shallow asf). I wish I had a hot looking, caring, boyfriend who will stick with me no matter what. Sorry for the rant.