I so, very much wish I didn’t struggle w PTSD

just venting somewhere that isn’t my journal. I apologize if it just comes off like rambling or doesn’t make sense. I don’t really have friends irl to turn to because I also struggle with agoraphobia. And my family dynamics aren’t all that healthy, unfortunately.

He was the closest person to me. We were together for two years. And it felt like a dream come true— to connect with someone and finally feel seen, appreciated, safe, and supported. Celebrated even. I truly believed we’d have such a beautiful life/future together. That we could solve any problem together. I was under the impression we wanted the same things. I could have never imagined it ending like this. He’s the first person to come around my kiddo so much. I don’t trust people easily, if at all (both my father & stepdad were trash.) There was a moment in time where he was in our lives way more than her dad... I can’t imagine ever bringing anyone around her ever again, honestly. It hurts my heart when she asks if he’ll be coming over, and I have to remind her that he no longer wants me to be a part of his life, that it has nothing to do with her & that I’m so sorry. I hate that she’s seen me devastated & sobbing, but that’s heartbreak I guess. Sucks how much it hurts. I feel like I’m being dramatic

it’s been extremely difficult since my birthday in October. November was worse, but I found hope & optimism. Thought I’d found my footing! only to be blindsided & crumble again. Christmas was especially horrible, traumatizing even. I wish I/we could’ve spent Xmas with him… I wonder if things would be different right now, if we’d still be together maybe? (Wishful thinking probably)

My trust is SO damn hard to regain once lost. And it drove me crazy. I feel like I won’t be able to ever get into another relationship because everyone will always end up lying to me and leaving. Do men who don’t have a porn addiction exist? Who don’t lie? hard to believe.

I was just getting over being pretty sick too. I wish I had at least seen the breakup coming, maybe it would hurt less if it didn’t feel so abrupt. I wish I didn’t have ptsd & hadn’t been the one to put the final nail in the coffin that made him give up on me. I wish I didn’t have nightmares & wake up wanting to be comforted by him. I wish I could hate him. Or erase him from my memory. There was so much I thought we’d get to experience together. I’m supposed to be okay if he’s happier without me bc I love him, right? I need to let the hope die that he’ll be back or I’ll be waiting forever like a dummy.. I wake up thinking I’’ll see a text from him, bc id gotten so used to talking every day & night since the beginning. I wish I could relive all the good times with him, knowing it’d all be over soon. I’d cherish it all even more than I did. 😭 i wish i realized he was quietly exiting our relationship. I feel so stupid. I wonder if he even thinks of us. He has so many friends to turn to for support and I’m here trying to get through this alone. Why can’t healing be linear?

I feel abandoned. Like dead weight to discard and never look back on. Traumatized trash even. Maybe I was delusional the whole time 💔😞 I hope I can succeed in making my dream life become a reality. I’m scared I’ll never find someone that wants to go through life together bc I have too much baggage. I really want to grow happy and old with the right person.

thanks for giving me a place to vent to others going through breakups as well. I’ll probably end up deleting this bc I feel such strong embarrassment posting this