I was so dumb as a teenager and now it haunts me.

When I was around 15/16 I used to talk with men online and have inappropriate conversations. Some have even successfully convinced me to me meet them. There was one who "introduced" me to this habit and I didn't have trouble doing so with the following ones who pulled me to it too. I was going through a rough patch and it was easy for them to get me to do so, I was vulnerable. While the vast majority of them were majors and it wasn't right for them to initiate me to such things, I mainly blame my own self for doing it because it was a huge betrayal to my innocence, my personality, my principles and my self esteem. It destroyed me mentally in ways that are still affecting me to this day, despite the passage of time. I was also a victim of CSA and the whole thing was traumatic to me. It's so damaging to me know that my childhood hardships contributed to me being an easy target for similar individuals.

I try to forget about it and I succeed to, but I always remember in the end and it feels like rubbing salt in the wound and I just cannot forgive myself. It pops on my mind on the most random days. My life would've simply been better if I didn't make that one mistake.

Lately, I had a flashback of it after seeing something, and it was so much worse than all the times where I'd try to focus on something else and go on with my life. I now cannot stop thinking about it. Today, I spent all my day off at home, crying and obsessing over my lack of maturity at the time and I can't stop being so hard on myself. I changed and outgrew that version of me years ago, but I can't forget that story nor make peace with it.

It brought up other fears and worries of one of them potentially trying to blackmail me. Because I don't know who still owns vulnerable pictures and messages of me, I panick about that often and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I don't even know if it got already leaked somewhere without me knowing, or if it's still on someone's devices, exposed to other people to potentially see it.

I had to upgrade my phone during that episode and I don't even remember if I got rid of the data properly on the old one before selling it, and the idea of my sensitive informations being possibly accessible to strangers is so scary to me.

I am torn between sadness, regret, shame, fear for my reputation, guilt, and remorse. I don't know how to deal with this alone anymore.