Why? Lost af and confused

I loved you deeply, unconditionally, I was there for you whenever you needed me, I trusted you with all of me, everything, all my deepest secrets, wishes and insecurities. I told you things I’d never tell anyone else ever. All of your secrets I hold close to my heart, I’d never spill them, I’d die before betraying you. I thought you’d do the same but seeing that you told me everything is alright and didn’t want to have a conversation only to later see you post on social’s about my pain and insecurities given to me by my CPTSD really broke me. I couldn’t comprehend it. How could you tell me things are okay and refuse to have a heart to heart convo to make sure we were on the same page but then tell the internet private shit instead of reaching out and discussing it with me. Now I feel more than just hurt, frustrated and abandoned but I also feel stupid. I trusted you with everything, I loved you with all my heart and soul, I’d always come to you to talk and speak and never would even think about saying something negative about you on the internet. EVER. What we talk about has always stayed between me and you. How could you do this? Friendship is trusting the other person with your heart and expecting them not to break it and I did trust you with it. But it feels like I handed you everything that could destroy me and I never questioned that you would. But you did…….you really did…….. and fuck this pain is unbearable….. and worse you won’t even talk to me now, you just cut me out like you swore you’d never do. For almost two decades I watched as you’d kick people out of your life and block them and you always said that could never happen to us because our relationship was sacred, it was true and there was nothing that we couldn’t talk about or work out. I believed you. Now I feel so dumb and naive, you hurt me so bad and won’t even give me a chance to talk to you, when all I ever did was be there for you whenever I could and love you fully. You said you loved me too, I never questioned that, I felt it, even now I still feel the connection and keep telling myself this is a huge misunderstanding but is it? Why can’t we have a simple conversation? Is nearly 20 years and hundreds of thousands of texts and thousands of phone calls, emails, love and feelings shared, comfort given, was all that. It enough to even have one adult conversation. One attempt to meet each other halfway and see if maybe things got misconstrued somewhere? This is why I dislike texts these days and prefer phone calls, so I care hear your tone of voice and there is no ambiguity. I sit here still with my heart in hand shattered still believing that you wouldn’t do this, that something got lost in translation. Because otherwise I have to reevaluate everything and that’s just too painful to even consider right now. I love you so much and can’t fathom what would cause this to happen. Even now while hurting, I still am worried about how you feel, about why this is like this. I’d never want to hurt you or bring you pain, your feelings are equal to my own in this relationship. I have always listened with great intent and to listen and understand not to just reply. I just want to understand. We have a soul connection, we both know it’s a rare and beautiful thing. Please can we just put everything else aside and talk to one another. To truly try and work through whatever this is because I know it’s worth it, it always has been and always will be and I cannot understand that what you do not say, as much as I would love it if I could read minds, I cannot. Let’s work this out, let’s try and understand and empathize with each other like we have always done for years and years. This is only between you and me, nobody else should have an input or whispering I. You ears, this is me and you are you. Please don’t give up on the single greatest relationship of our lives. Nobody will ever be you, just as there is only one me and I value you for you inside and out and just want to understand. I want to support you, to be there for you in all ways big or small but I can’t be if you don’t communicate and push me away. This really isn’t fair. Please just for a few minutes, let down the walls you have build around your heart and give me a chance.