Over her, not over how angry I feel

Does anyone else feel like they’re gaslighting themselves thinking it “wasn’t that bad?”

My ex (24f) broke up with me (25f) a little over a year ago and up until recently, I haven’t had a single bad thought about her. I thought we were just incompatible, we were mostly LDR anyway (I’m Canadian in the Netherlands but used to live in the UK, she’s British) I let her go after she didn’t wish me happy birthday. End of story, or so I thought.

I think I am currently in some kind of healing process right now because I cannot stop thinking about the way I actually felt (about myself) in that relationship, what she put me through and how she manipulated me. I didn’t realize I was actually emotionally and physically abused until a few months ago when I began getting flashbacks to how she m*lested me in public, how she wanted me to choose her over my university and career, or how she would scream at me and embarrass me in public.

The reason we broke up? Ultimately, she was convinced I was cheating on her because I had to take a compulsory figure drawing class (drawing naked people) for my Bachelor’s. She convinced me that I was a cheater and that I was trying to ruin her life, because I had to draw bodies for my course. And I actually felt super bad about it??!! In hindsight, I should not have tried to work things out with her, because that is just insane, and part of me knew that. Figure drawing is not sexual in nature at all, it’s just drawing a still life. And I know deep in my heart that when I really have feelings for someone, no one else is attractive to me. But she truly got in my head about it. I believe this was the thing that got her leverage over me, because she used it any time we had a disagreement about anything.

If I didn’t want to have sex with her one day, it meant I was attracted to the people I was drawing instead. She would manipulate me into having sex with her this way. If I complimented her when she felt down about herself, I was lying because I’m “surrounded by hot sluts at school,” and this was a screaming argument we had in public btw. What can you even do when someone is screaming at you that you cheated on them in public other than cower away like a kicked dog. MIND YOU, I ONLY TOOK A COMPULSORY COURSE. These episodes happened quite a few times in public, but mostly in private. She would tell me to call other women on the street fat and ugly, and if I didn’t it’s because I’m a cheater. She would tell me I couldn’t talk to my classmates because she didn’t like me talking about pop stars with them, because I apparently found pop stars more attractive than her because I’m a cheater. Like mama the mental gymnastics were insane and I ate it up. Like what gay person doesn’t talk about pop stars..? Please be serious. She also didn’t like that I identify as being a lesbian, because apparently that also means I’m a cheater finding other women attractive.

Worst of all, she alienated me from everyone because of all of this. I couldn’t really talk to anyone at school or stay around for parties, get to know anything because of how fucking insecure she was. As soon as I made any kind of friend she had to vet them, and she never allowed me to hang out with any of them. I spent the first year of uni alone on the phone with her in my room. Mind you, I moved to Europe to go to school. We were LDR most of the time so she could be in her secure hometown close to all her family and friends, and I was completely alone in a small town in a country where I don’t know anyone and English isn’t the first language. And with the time difference, couldn’t even call my family because I always had to be on the phone with her.

During all this, I was just a shell of a person yes ma’aming my way through a relationship because I felt unlovable, I felt dirty and like no one would ever care about me if it wasn’t her. These were feelings that left soon after I got over her. I should have known something was wrong when I said goodbye to her for the last time and didn’t cry.

I just feel so angry about everything that is resurfacing, and I keep wondering if I’m overreacting or misremembering things. But I just can’t believe how blind I was to how horrible things were. I feel angry with how many times I felt pressured to have sex with her, I feel angry that she embarrassed me so often. I feel angry that I hated myself for no reason, that I missed out on great people in the first year of uni and distanced myself from my family, that I still have to work through not feeling good enough, that those memories still have power over me. I feel SO angry. You don’t realize how bad things are until you take a step back. I got clarity and now I just feel so angry all the time.