How do I stop spiraling while unlearning monogamy?

Hey peeps. I’m still new to ENM, like out of the box still in the package new, and I’m really trying to approach this with openness and intention—but I’d be lying if I said it’s not messing with my head. Background. Been single for the better part of a decade—dated casually—but was starting to think I didn’t know how to develop emotions for someone. Until I met this guy and he literally flipped my life upside down.

I really care about him. We’re not “official” in any traditional sense, but there’s closeness, consistency, emotional intimacy—and it feels meaningful. He’s open, honest, and very comfortable in ENM. I’m…learning.

The hardest part for me isn’t the idea of him sleeping with other people. It’s the mental spiral I go into every time he spends meaningful time with someone else—especially if there’s emotional or physical intimacy involved. My mind floods with all these old monogamy-based fears:

• If he really cared about me, would he still want to be with someone else?
• If I’m not the only one, am I really special?
• Am I slowly being replaced and just don’t know it yet?

I hate that this is where my brain goes. I don’t want to be possessive or codependent. I believe that love can be abundant. I’ve done the reading. I’ve listened to the podcasts. But in the quiet moments, none of that helps. I just feel small.

So I’m asking: how do you deal with these moments?

What helped you shift from “I need to be everything to this person” to “I can be something beautiful, even if I’m not everything”? What helps you stay grounded in your own worth and connection while your partner explores others?

Would love any advice, tools, mantras, or just shared experience. Thanks for reading.