Despite having a “glow up” I still feel like the same awkward kid in high school who was off putting to others.

It’s honestly been an eye opening experience but I (20s F) do suspect i’m on the spectrum and have always struggled with social cues and skills. I stutter, avoid eye contact, sometimes speak in a direct, monotone voice that’s deemed as uninterested or mean. On the inside I still feel like the weird kid in high school that was invisible but people don’t see me that way.

My friends say most people probably just mistake this for being ‘mysterious’ or ‘aloof’ but I’ve never seen it that way. I’m always super aware of how I am in a convo or how i’m acting and sometimes rehearsing what i’ll say before that convo even happens. I mumble sometimes, will have delayed reactions/responses to things while my brain tries to think of something that aligns with the convo.

For some reason people will tell me i’m funny even if that wasn’t my intention and I say it in a deadpan way which confuses me the most. At times I take things too literal and so I just smile and nod so I don’t say something stupid. I force myself to show more emotions in a convo so I seem animated. Other times I don’t contribute to a convo at all if I don’t have anything to add but I get up in my head about being labeled standoffish so eventually i’ll force myself to make up something to seem rel