Every day I regret not killing myself

Every single day I regret not killing myself. I hate myself. I hate the way everyone in my life treats me. I hate that everything I do is wrong. I hate being alive. The only reason I am not dead is because I need to take care of my cat, everyone else I know is too selfish and neglectful to treat him like a living creature. Once he passes away im killing myself. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing of meaning to took back on. Every single day is full of constant suicidal thoughts. Every single conversation I have with a family member involves putting me down and telling me how much of a failure I am. They tell me I’m lazy because I don’t work every single day, even though they gave both of my brother free cars, one of them doesn’t even have a job and has no reason to have a car. My dad constantly fat shames me, acting like I’m morbidly obese, I’m barely 15lbs over average. If I had walked a mile and back to the store and bought myself a drink, he’d say “there better not be food in that bag”, oh but if o eat less and exercise then I get accused of being anorexic. They’re the reason I didn’t get to go to college last year, not like there’s even any point of going anymore. I wish everyone would just shut up about all the things I need to do, because none of those things matter when you’re going to be dead in a couple years. My mom constantly acts like I’m burdening her but I’m the only one who does the grocery shopping, I spend all my money and can’t save any of it. I do all the cleaning, cooking. If I leave a window cracked in 65° weather to let fresh air in, I’m gonna “freeze her guinea pig to death”, she acts like she’s cares about that thing but let’s it rot in its own filth, tells me to clean it if I’m so bothered by the smell, I’m severely allergic to it. I wish I could just disappear, take all my things and my pets, start over and never see any of these people again. I’m trapped and the only way out is to die. I already know they’d cry, asking “why” saying “im sorry” as if they don’t know they’re the reason. It’s not like I was a bratty devil child who ruined their lives. I had a 4.15 gpa, I got accepted into college, I never smoked or drank or partied, I never snuck out, but once I got depression no one helped me, everything I accomplished went away. In senior year I went from straight A+s to failing all my classes, I stopped going to school, have a bunch of my stuff away. My mom abandoned me and made me live with me stepdad who sexually abused me with I was 7-13, so she could spend all her time with her boyfriend the same age as me. She’ll say she was “helping people” in rehab, she was helping a drug addict whose baby was born addicted to herion get her kids back. I remember an instance where I was having a cystitis flare up at school, (part of the reason I stopped going) and my mom took hours to pick me up and take me to urgent care because she was too busy with her friends. When she did pick me up she treated me like I was over reacting and took her and her friends kids to McDonald’s before taking me to get urgent care. I never got treatment for my cystitis and I permanently suffer from untreatable symptoms. I’m still a good person, I give my extra money to people who need it, I still take care of my mom when she needs it even though she doesn’t deserve it, and would never do the same for me. I am empathic to other people and animals, I always use my manners, I tip good at restaurants. If I was raised by someone who loved me unconditionally everything would’ve been different. I hope no one finds my body