Two occasions.

I don’t know exactly how old I was but I think around the age of 8 or 9 my older brother (2.5 years older) talked me in to anal sex and made me put his penis in my mouth. I’m convinced the anal sex was first as this was in my mum and dad’s bedroom and the telling me to put his penis in my mouth was in the bathroom. He asked me to do it again straight after and I said no, pushed past him and it has never been mentioned again. I don’t remember him ever telling me not to tell anyone. All I remember is knowing I wouldn’t want anybody to know about it. I am now 32 so this happened well over 20 years ago. We always shared a bedroom as kids and have always had a good strong relationship. We go on walks together fairly regularly, we have had camping trips just the two of us, been on holiday just the two of us like two normal lads/brothers, but nothing has ever been mentioned about this. I’m pretty convinced that he hopes I don’t remember it with being so young at the time. I have always had flashbacks every now and again but soon forgot about it again and told myself we were both kids. Just recently I have been thinking more about it, having searched what child sexual abuse does to the victim/survivor it makes perfect sense why I am the way I am. I have always thought that I feel ‘different’. I have never felt hate for my brother only love and respect for how he has always treated me and everybody else in life except this one incident as kids. I want to ask him about it with the hope that it helps me somehow? Do I say, I want to ask you about something that happened when we were kids in mum and dad’s room? I want to know how old we both were and does he still think about it. I’d also like to know if the reason he did it was because he suffered something similar…as much as I hope it didn’t, this would give me the most comforting and the best chance of it not affecting our relationship. If it turns out he was in secondary school at the time, I’m not sure how I would feel towards him. Any advice or words of wisdom would be extremely appreciated.