Reflections after my first breakup

People you love will be taken away from you forever without explanation and you will be left wondering why are you here and what does it all mean. Life is cruel in a way, but it is also capriciously perplexing.

There are things that have no meaning and then there are things that mean a lot to you, somehow the sandclock is flipped and then you have to again let some time pass before it resets to equilibrium of meaning and no meaning. I believe struggling with this duality is an existential curse. A curse that was cast upon us along with the forbidden ability to be self aware (symbolically the reason for which adam & eve were banished from the garden of Eden ) being able to distinguish between what's ours and what's not.

I am still mourning the loss of a loving partner. I still get flashbacks of what she was as a person and what she meant/means to me. And the randomness and the underlying cause of it also is what's truly absurd to me. Knowing that she's out there still, thinking of me, crying alone, hoping to hear my voice again, literally kills me... I try not to think about it for the sake of sanity. But then again someone wrote "Show me a sane man and I'll cure him ( of his sanity ) for you."

One thing I cannot deny is, this thing, this experience of, losing someone close from your life, is a part of life. Cruel as it may be, it's universal across all human being experiences. There are many who are out there and have probably have it worse than me, each with their pain even more deeper and unbearable. I believe they're brave to face the worst and continue on with their lives, almost certainly, they will face another loss of something valuable, as long as they continue to value things.

I guess then again, life becomes just an act of letting go of all the things that meant something perhaps everything to you.