Abandoning the pattern

I'm going to stop. I just did a tarot reading and it says even if we had a chance at reconciliation, and had every advantage we'd just ruin it with our negative patterns.

I love you. I think it was too late even if I played the doll like you wanted. Even if I only showed you I didn't mean to hurt you it feels too late. You'd push me away to punish me. I either know everything or am mentally ill. There are places my mind doesn't reach. Understanding I never make. Words I don't know to say. Even I feel like on some level I know. Which leads me to think I'm following my instincts and not my heart or my head.

I wish I could fill my heart with the statement that talking to me is good for you. I wish that calmed my physicality. It's deeply depressing to know my health got so in the way of us.

Life doesn't feel pointless anymore despite this. Idk why. You fill space in my heart as no one else ever did. But love doesn't build bridges and you keep burning them down. You don't want to be reached.

I don't blame you. It is just reality. We both want to stay where it is safe. Neither of us can handle the situation. You cannot offer me any reassurance and you see my lack of ability to be myself confident with a fucking sword in my face as a sign I don't love you. Bullshit. But if you brandish that? If you need to protect yourself?

I guess I am accepting we are over. It took one moment. One misunderstanding. All I can do is try to start with myself. All I can do is focus on my wellbeing. I'm sorry you've locked yourself in that cage. But I'm glad you feel safe.

No one will compare to you. But I'm going to do the healthy thing and walk away. This situation is not one where I can do anything but cause more pain, drama and strife. I blew it and I have to accept that. It hurts about as much as that botched confession.

And hey you don't have to deal with my anxiety anymore. No more questions. No more angry words at people you love. No more of my insecurities. No more not knowing if I love you or not. No more of my crippling social anxiety.

I don't think I can love someone after this. I just keep getting further from someone that believes being close to anyone leads to anything but this.

I wish I came with a manual. But I don't. I cannot just stop what is going on physically or mentally for you. I'm sorry I was never able to support you how you needed. At least I felt joy anytime I thought about trying to fix our problems. I'm not on the fence about loving you. Idk what you could do to stop me.

This is my final letter. This is just me doing what I did during our relationship. Trying desperately to reach you. To hold you in some tangible way. I didn't see this coming but it's a train wreck. We'll both be hurting for a very long time.