I have to move out

I hve nobody in my life. Just my mom. And she’s becoming unbearable to be around.

When I first moved back in with her she was on better behavior.

Now she can’t control it as well anymore.

I’m realizing she’s just a negative nasty person. She literally wakes up ready to express her condescending, judge mental controlling nasty attitude. Like who wakes up and already feeling like that?

I have to spend my whole life controlling my words to not offend her even though I don’t agree with a lot of things she loves trying to push on me. Yet she is constantly condescending and tries to tell me what to do and believe.

I moved from NYC to this very low populated state because she told me she wanted me to move here. I am from the city so I know nothing about the country. This is new for me.

It was a mistake. Although I also wanted to be closer to her anyway because of another reason so it wasn’t solely because she wanted me to come here.

But now I have to move out to a low rent home somehow and learn to drive (she’s currently teaching me and I hve to eventually get my license), then I have to get a used? Car and just live my life in this new state.

I think it’s better to live near her but not in her house because it’s good to have someone in your life. I have no friends and no family I’m in contact with either. So at least I have her even if it will be at a distance like I only have to visit or call sometimes.

I just have to accept she’s a nasty person inside.

So many times since I moved here a few months ago I told her that her way of talking to me or acting has made me feel unwelcome and she would either cry (now I’m thinking it was meaningless tears ? ) or get mad at me saying I want to leave and move out. She says she wants me to live with her.

Girl why? I’m so fucking sick to my stomach of being treated low-key like shit and on top of it I have to censor my true feelings and thoughts. All to save money living with her because she doesn’t charge rent.

I told her this morning while she went on an unprovoked nasty demeaning attitude rant that I want to leave. She got mad and walked away. But this time I need to call the housing authority phone numbers and start looking for an apartment or home, SERIOUSLY.

I suffer bad social anxiety and living with her probably made it worse again because it lowers my self esteem, but I hve to keep pushing on. I’ll have to get an apartment, and work a lot like before, pay rent etc.

And get a car.

In some ways being in this state is better for me because I feel safer having at least one family member nearby and it’s less population or polluted or whatever.

Anyway thank you for reading any of this. God bless you