I just (finally) found out that my husband had cheated on me years ago earlier on in the relationship. We have an open relationship now though. It hurts.

It's not really a question per se. I've been on this sub a few years and love hearing what you guys say. And enjoy contributing. So I'm really just asking for thoughts and opinions.

I'm not sure it's worth getting into a ton of details. We were closed for years and opened up a few years ago (been together 11 years). He wanted to open the relationship because he's vers and I only like topping. I tried bottoming throughout the years but it just doesn't work well. This way he gets to top guys. Opening the relationship has had its ups and downs. I have insecurities that I can't provide what he needs. I also miss the more frequent sex we used to have earlier in the relationship (were at about once every 2 weeks now).

A few years into the relationship I caught him using Grindr (helping him with some phone settings and it showed up as using data or screen time or something). He wouldn't talk about it. But assured me it was just chatting.

I've brought that up a handful of times over the relationship but he would never talk about it. I've told him I've never fully been able to trust him since then.

Now we just had a phone call (I'm currently traveling in china right now, been a trip I've wanted to do for years and use the language I've been learning). I should mention we have a 4 year old and he's not interested in this trip so he encouraged me to do this solo.

He's been hooking up twice a week, basically when grandparents babysit. No restrictions from me, no guilt to deal with. He just hooked up Wednesday and it's Friday and he's gonna line up another. Which is where I decided to bring this up again. That his natural sex drive is more frequent than he normally gets to have sex. He agreed. Mine is similar, I'd like to every two or three days. But he only likes anal, so he's never been into other acts.

Yeah this is longer than I said it would be. Anyway I brought up the Grindr thing and said he never talked about it. Did he meet up with guys? He finally came clean (well we never know for certain eh), that he met someone once. Then felt guilty and didn't do it again.

He said he's open to counselling. I've been mentioning it for a while. I've contacted a couple places just now to see. I want to explore this more. It's too complex to navigate ourselves. He's a great father, he loves me and shows it, and sex is great but the frequency isn't enough for me, and a few days after sex I slowly feel connected to him. It's what I need to feel connnected to him. And the distance shows and affects our family.

Anyway I wanted to air all that out. Yay for this happening when I'm alone in another country haha. But I'm glad it came out finally.