i dont remember what it was like before depression

I have bpd first of all, i feel extreamly dramatic and like im doing this just to seek attention but the truth is i think i just need to say it out loud like organize and describe this feeling so here you go. Since i was maybe 12 ive felt this thing the heavy invisible bag i dont remember much before that age but it doesnt matter, every experience that makes me who i am is tainted with that nothingness. I spent so much time alone so much time knowing no one was asking for me so i got fed up and kinda gave up i tried doing what i wanted, acting how i wanted no fear and definately not giving a shit what people thought of me just tring to understand what was worth living, for a moment and on the surface it was freedom i felt like i had people even if i couldnt be myself bc who wants to be arround nothing all the time but it was something maybe it was the other shit i was consuming at that time idk, the broblem tho is that it became a philosophy , the whole nothing matters live in the moment made everything loose meaning. So now im alone again this time by choice, im so pessimistic with every aspect of life there is nothing in my future no hopes or dreams just nothing. Im confortable with this tho i learned to function on hate like gasoline, its effective and lonley wich is for the best, living the way i do kinda separates me into another reality i mean the only thing that makes sence to me is hating myself and i cant sit for a coffe with someone trying to act like im alive and talking ab what im planning to do on the weekend or after collage, hows work? its torture how can i sit and talk about anything else than how misserable life feels all the time how it just wont stop and it bangs in my head every second since i wake up even if i try my hardest not to. so yeah this is how ive always felt i know nothing will change it, there is only one thing left to do huh