Finding purpose

TW :mentions of self harm/suicide (Marking NSFW for that)

TL:DR need help with mental health and therapy

So I'm a 25 yo guy who I feel is kinda settled enough and enough skills and resources to have his own existence.. but it always feels like I'm longing, longing for something to push me ahead, someone to latch on to. I did seek mental health help, was on medications but it just felt empty as if I'm just living each day trying to see something new or do something new to keep things alive and appreciate it, I try to look ahead build up scenarios to work out for...but it just feels tiring and not worth it.. Two years ago around this time of the year I was going through a highly rough patch something I don't even feel confident enough to share in a anonymous platform, but at my lowest after multiple previous failed attemps at Sui- I had thought of doing it finally, picked up the date, distanced myself enough, thought of the method like I was all set that the day I have a place to myself I would tie a noose and do it.. It's a white lie i tell myself that I had some hand in saving someone (who most probably didn't make it through), make stories about it tell it to myself how I'm living in extra time that whatever good or bad happens is fine but it's not easy. I have hit multiple lows since, seen family fallout, had fights with people, and even contemplated multiple times. I have tried all sorts of things let it to involve myself in work or do good or isolate or even change places but it's just now and then I randomly break down, cry it out, have panic attacks and feel it's all bleak that I should have done it when I could. Publically I play as this clown persona that doesn't give two shots but it's eating me up.. Consider it as a call for help or whatever.. all help is appreciated preferably professional, and I just want to feel complete and live to see things go ahead..I don't want to end all this so quick..