Exhausted by it all.

Please don’t post this elsewhere. Feeling a little desperate lately, and thinking this sub can provide some solidarity and/or encouragement on how to move forward since this post will sound familiar to many. For context, DH and I are high school sweethearts. We’ve been together over 12 years (been married for 6 of those) and I feel we have a healthy and beautiful marriage. We have a toddler and another baby on the way this fall. I believe communication and affection are two of our relationship’s strongest aspects and I am so grateful for the family we’ve created. Also, I am an enneagram 2, have always been nurturing and people pleasing, used to be very apologetic for no good reason and generally am in tune with my and others’ emotions.

Unfortunately, I have a mother-in-law who is extremely difficult. Here is a glimpse of my history with her:

• From very early on in our dating life, I have felt unwanted by my MIL and very similar SIL (the only daughter - the oldest child, princess of the family, and Flying Monkey).
• MIL kicked my husband out of the house through HS/college on numerous occasions when she wasn’t happy with something he did - he is the only one of three siblings who has ever been kicked out
• MIL claims to have grown up in an emotionally abusive household (and for the record, I believe her) where her own mother withdrew love for wrongdoing, and has been estranged from her own sisters and mother for years. Only recently has she began talking to her own mother again. She has mentioned she would rather die than become like her own mother.
• My senior year of HS, I won an award voted on by the student body and teachers, and based on academic performance. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was also one of three nominated but didn’t win. My MIL pulled me into her classroom that same day (she worked at our HS at the time, sigh), and made me cry for not making him feel better about not winning.
• At our engagement party, my SIL threw a crying tantrum in my driveway and all the attention was on her and her meltdown. MIL frequently defends these tantrums and is also fantastic at crying for attention. Can cry in the middle of any conversation and loves to have attention on her/elicit pity.
• Periodically, MIL will decide I’ve done something wrong and start going to the rest of the family for their agreement. One such time culminated in a conversation in her home where she berated me and told me I was never going to win in a battle against her, she will always be DH’s mom and implying that I wasn’t doing enough as his fiancé/future wife/etc for him. Meanwhile he and FIL are standing silently looking at the floor while I get reprimanded for existing. Then she love-bombs to “resolve” the conflict, I sob and accept (because I didn’t grow up with this type of behavior and don’t know how to react) and I’m expected to simply forget all the ways I was hurting. DH acted like this is totally normal (because it was, for him). This led to the biggest fight DH and I have ever had, which was that he had never defended me in front of his mother.
• In the months leading up to our wedding, MIL started telling the entire family that I have ruined every single holiday and event of theirs. On the phone with my FIL, even he said “I don’t know what is going on with her.” This is the closest DH and I ever came to breaking up, because I actually thought to myself, “I love this man. And I don’t know that I can deal with his mother’s treatment forever, which is what I’m signing up for.”
• She didn’t come to my bridal shower and until about 2 weeks before the wedding, we were unsure whether she would be in attendance. Her father was sick and hospitalized at the time, and everything was swept right under the rug when - in the hospital room standing right next to her dying father - she told me, “I was fucked up.” Hugged me, didn’t apologize, and expected everything should be great moving forward. I was stunned, and still didn’t understand how deep this all ran in their family.
• Flash forward, I have our child fall of 2023. My husband was in 4th year of medical school and traveling for audition rotations. He was gone for an entire month when I was 1 month postpartum. I was struggling with baby peeing through literally every diaper and also off-the-charts low weight gain and trouble breastfeeding. It was an emotional time yet I was loving being this baby’s momma. I stayed at my mom’s house for several days while my husband was out of state for his audition. My MIL decides my less-frequent responses to her are not ok. She beings to go to every family member (except me), asking if they agree that I’ve been ghosting the family. She spreads nastiness about how I am withdrawing and “She’s just worried about me.” But that I’m not letting her help. (Side note, she thought she knew what we’d be naming our baby and got a blanket monogrammed with the name she expected we’d use and brought it to the delivery. She was wrong.) I find out this is going on behind my back and am hurt. My husband is pissed because she also has crossed a boundary by reaching out to one of the attending’s wives of the residency he wanted to match to, sharing that DH was concerned about not yet receiving an interview, when he explicitly asked her not to share anything about the audition/interview process with this particular person. It’s very awkward leading up to Thanksgiving - I’m still freshly postpartum and that holiday is spent taking extremely forced family photos (she insists) and then us getting yelled at in the backyard. She never apologizes for spreading rumors about me ghosting, doesn’t apologize for going behind DH’s back and crossing work/personal life boundary, shows zero empathy for me dealing with baby alone and being vulnerable, and then doubles down by demanding we acknowledge how hard it was for her to go 3 weeks without seeing her grandchild. Keep in mind DH hadn’t seen his own child for weeks. I did hold my ground for the first time with her, stating that if we were being treated poorly, we would not be bringing our child around her. She immediately got hostile and said I was threatening her, and FIL had to back her off the ledge.
• We remain on this emotional rollercoaster for months. Family gatherings are an uncomfortable fake “quality” time where MIL always must take a family selfie to maintain the perfect family image she has in her head, meanwhile I am suffering mentally. Going to therapy just to learn how to deal with this toxic person.
• DH has never wanted to take drastic measures against her, because “That’s just who she is and she’s not going to change, so what would calling her out accomplish?” This is hard for me to understand, but I’m finally realizing this has been his way of coping with a narcissistic mother for decades. It’s his only way to protect himself - shut down and stay silent.

Until now. The latest drama is my other SIL (married DH’s little brother) is finally seeing the dysfunction and the way I’m treated horribly. She has ignored or otherwise turned her head the other way in the past because it never really affected her, but has recently confided in me that MIL is dragging her into the middle of gossip and nastiness about me and DH, and she feels extremely defensive of me. SIL tells me MIL is making comments like, “I just CAN’T believe they’re already pregnant again” and “[DH] looks so exhausted all the time, I’m worried about him.” (implying I forced him into another baby and make his life so difficult. He is a resident intern, of course he looks exhausted.) I just started a podcast to create a supportive community and share tips on navigating our unique circumstances as a medical family, and MIL has apparently been talking about it to all the family, plus her boss (at the medical school where she now works and where my husband attended - it never ends!), the attending’s wife mentioned previously (where it directly impacted DH at his work THE NEXT DAY), and who knows who else. She is saying it frustrated her and makes my husband look bad. She has approached neither me nor my husband about this. When BIL says “Go talk to [DH] about it, mom,” she cries and says she doesn’t feel like she can talk to DH. My guess is she doesn’t want to talk to someone she knows is going to disagree with her and call her out.

In light of the most recent events, I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is a pattern of behavior and DH is right, she will never change. I am absolutely done tolerating her treatment towards me, and am ready to remove myself and our children from her toxicity. DH sees the behavior and narcissism, but is asking for patience because it’s his mom. I can understand he is wrestling with sadness because he wishes things were different. I do, too. I’m just wondering how to protect myself from future abuse while also showing my husband a ton of grace as he processes everything. He agrees stepping back is a good move, but still acts like things are fine to them over phone calls/texts/in person. I just know things are not fine and won’t be until she is no longer prevalent in our lives. My heart is broken for him honestly, and for my past self who didn’t realize what was going on and stand up to her sooner. Any tips for showing support to him and maintaining my own mental health?