I see my therapist struggling when talking about this and it breaks me

Today he had to eat something to calm down, he hasn't told me but just offered me what he was eating but yeah I could see him struggling. It makes me wanna cry and I'm scared that at some point he'll tell me that I'm too much to handle and he can't do this anymore and honestly I'd understand. My healing journey is being so slow and unstable and lately I'm making progress but life decided to be hard at the same time throwing shit at me. I feel like I'm on an up road again instead of downhill but with heavy rocks raining on me. I can't even imagine how frustating it must be to have me as a patient.
Now I got this random wave of motivation to get healthier and better but shit still happens.

But yeah basically it's 3rd session in a row I bring up the suicide topic. This time cause I watched a movie and a scene where this girl was in an hospital for attempting got me in a spiral wondering if my friends would come see me or if they'd remain friends with me. I jokingly told him "but yeah I don't want this to happen, if I do it I don't wanna fail". I think so often about how I'd do it I could honestly write a paper on the best and worst ways but yeah I think I'm feeling comfortable enough to share it with him but it's making him uncomfortable. Hopefully it'll not happen again soon :')