What you didn't know ---your inability to address intense feelings in the moment

J,

You didn't know that when you were younger, you misrepresented yourself. People built relationships with you that were predicated on lies that you pretended to agree with.

E thought that you were a business buddy when you were actually secretly harboring some sort of intense feelings for her. You say that the feelings were no longer romantic, and maybe that's true on some level, but don't you realize that you have always kind of harbored idealized feelings for her? Why else would you be jealous or see her differently from the way you did your other friends? Why would you feel a sense of possessiveness towards her? You told yourself it wasn't more, but you lied to yourself too.

People have been scared of you because they don't understand your intentions. Going back to E, she even asked you outright what you wanted with her, and even appeared to want the same thing back then, but instead of addressing the issue when you had the opportunity, you choked and went silent. I guess that is one of your deepest regrets -- not addressing that issue that was so close to your heart when she was open and wanting to address it. She wanted to know how you felt THEN, but you held it in all those years and never addressed it, even after it went away for you and definitely for her. After 20 years, it was really out of left field to hint around at it again, so can't you see how it would rub her the wrong way?

It makes sense now, then, doesn't it, why when N tried to tell you HIS feelings for you before he died, that you once again, got nervous. Now it's something similar. He was trying to tell you that he had feelings for you and you were like "No, we can't talk about this..." Then he died. Well, gee, there we go again. Is there a pattern there? I bet you always regret that too because now you will never know what he was trying to tell you that day.

Take the last situation you were in -- with R when he was trying to tell you that you really hurt him. You fumbled that one too, didn't you?

Why three important people, J? Why?! When are you going to learn? Do you want to harbor feelings so they can build up to an intensity that is better than reality? Just today you told D that you were actually bored for a good part of your relationship with E. You didn't feel the conversations were deep or interesting enough. You felt like you just had to go along and let her lead. You would have preferred more, but you settled for less. She didn't even realize that you were bored. She said you were "too much" but you secretly thought she was not enough. Yet you wanted her to be more. Guess what --- it was the same thing with N and R!

I'm just not sure you can have relationships. I don't think you even enjoy them. Casual relationships are a waste of time. You don't like transactional relationships. You want all or nothing. And since you will never have all, you rather settle for nothing. At least you can invest in your own interests that way. Why bother with others if all you get out of it is being used or expected to do stuff you don't want to do? Maybe someday you will find intense love, like when you see God, but until then, I guess it's just solitaire.