Can’t handle it

I recently switched to addiction therapy for my porn addiction, but my POCD is going crazy. I was imagining something sexual and then started to imagine a kid, then continued to imagine it to test my feelings and myself. I'm really afraid I was actually attracted to it and felt real arousal. I also looked up porn and am afraid it's because of this. I also looked up someone who's in their early 20s, but a lot of people think she looks like a kid. ALSO I'm starting a new antidepressant and went down a little in case I had to come off my current meds, so I'm emotional too and I think it's because of that.

My OCD specialist would just tell me to do exposures, not letting the mental compulsions rule my mind, and not let this destroy me and let the OCD sneak in, but I hate myself so much and want to kill myself. Don't worry, I won't do anything, just expressing how awful I feel.