My first love passed away

Was going through old stuff in my basement and found some letters and notes from my first serious girlfriend. I was 19, Lyn was 21, and we spent a couple of years together. (I am now 57, so well past three decades.)

We started as friends, worked together in a restaurant, and I was oblivious to how she felt about me for months until one drunk night she asked, "am I being a fool for thinking like this?" I said no, but I didn't know what she was talking about, but soon enough I figured it out.

She was way too good for me. Tall, beautiful, smart, thoughtful and open. She loved me completely, ferociously, and made me feel like I had won the lottery 10 times over.

I won't say I thought of her often over the years, but whenever she crossed my mind, I remembered her in a good way, albeit with a good bit of regret mixed in, thinking of things I could have done differently. To this day I recall things that she said and did that made me melt. Her letters reminded me of a time that was very special, but me being a young dumbass, I thought it was how it always would be.

I tell you, if they make a time machine tomorrow, I will go back to 1986 to see Lyn one more time.

Anyway, yesterday I discovered she passed away in 2022 at the age of 58. I don't know anything about the circumstances, all I saw was a note on her company's website about her passing and her probate. I couldn't even find an obit. She was married with two boys that are adults now. Her husband passed away only five months before she did. Hard times for those boys, I am sure.

Learning of her death has had her on my mind these last couple of days and thoughts kept going back to misty memories from what feels like a different life that I lived.

I am happily married and never had notions of getting back with her, meeting her, or anything like that, I just wish that she knew that when I thought of her from time to time I did so with a smile.

Sitting here now, my wish is only to know that she had found joy in her life. If I had another wish, perhaps it is to know that she thought of me from time to time as I did her.

I know the grief that I feel is probably mixed with nostalgia about the good times of that long ago life, but god damn if it still doesn't feel like grief.

Thanks for indulging.