Pro tip - Just because they stopped arguing doesn't mean you're right...

This has been a long running theme in my marriage, and we're both guilty of it, in both ways... There is a rift in our relationship that has been growing, probably since before we were married. It stems from the fact that we are both deeply committed to being right, but neither of us needs any validation in being right. If I know I'm right, I don't need you to agree with me... And if I think you're wrong, I don't need you to admit it. I'm going to continue to live my life the way I want to, regardless of the outcome of an argument. My wife and I are pretty similar in this way... although this is a pretty primary trait for me, and maybe a secondary one for her.

As we're approaching the end of our marriage, it's clear just how separate our lives have become. This is positive in one sense... There's really very little drama... We're probably still 5 years away from divorce, and there's very little pressure for this to happen faster or slower than it is... But there's also no way we could reel this back in at this point. Personally, I'm fine with that. She may not see this quite as clearly as I do.

But the point of this post is to remind everyone that, just because you were the last person to speak, does not mean that you won the argument. Not everyone is like this, but some people are content to accept the existence of disagreement in a way that isn't very engaging or collaborative. If you find yourself "winning" lots of arguments, and watching your partner become more distant over time, consider that some of those discussions may have simply ended with one person's decision to simply ignore you.

For me personally, my wife has demonstrated to me that we are not on the same side, and since having that realization, I just don't have anything invested in whether she agrees with me or not. She has all kinds of opinions - about things, plans, the future, me as a person - that I'm just not paying attention to any more... I think the same is true for her, but I don't really care whether it is or not.

Just so I don't overstate this... we agree on lots of things. We've been a very effective team, and we've built a great life together. It's not like she and I walk around ignoring each other all the time. But there's a word of caution here... If you don't want your relationship to end up like mine, don't allow yourself to believe that winning an argument is the same thing as finding agreement. They can look pretty similar when one or both parties doesn't care about the outcome... But they couldn't be more different. Just a heads up...