Being a "bad bitch" or a "tough bitch" can fail to protect

There's a trend out there and certain influencers or authors get a lot of attention for being both female and hard on the surface. There's a specific lady out there, Eve Poumpouras, who was a security agent, at times part of squads that bust pedophile rings or sex trafficking operations.

I unfortunately, am a survivor of that type of abuse, and my abuser was female.

Looking back on my experiences, I can see an MO that played out in front of me, when this abuser cast a net for other victims. I failed to understand at the time. I suspect there could be other victims, although I never saw anything, because my own comings and goings were severely monitored and controlled.

The perpetrator was my own mother. She tended to befriend other women, gain their trust, eventually start babysitting the kids. She tended to be extremely kind and gregarious. It was actually part of the culture, in my toxic, abusive family, for people to take strangers in as part of the family (culturally very normal but watch out for the complete lack of acknowledgement or accountability for this type of crime).

It's said that perpetrators groom or seduce families before they narrow down on a child. Another thing to look out for, based on my own experience, was devaluing a prior victim. Or using another child as a magnet. She used to tell people I wanted a friend and she was setting up play dates (I was a much older child than her victims). I'd be sitting in the room zoning off and go red in the face when she made these claims. Being highly manipulative, there were times I was encouraged to be nice to certain kids. I instinctively pushed back and couldn't understand at the time why these things were happening.

The most important factor of vulnerability in the victims was a lack of regard from the parent. I know this sounds "victim blaming" (if the parent must also be a victim) but it's true to what I witnessed. The mothers of the girls that were taken in for a "special relationship" (I didn't understand these things at the time) were out of touch, aggressive or passive-aggressive. Instinctively, I'd say they were almost willing to look the other way. These women were highly narcissistic, could never be wrong, and feigned a "protector" role in their kids lives while likely being controlling. They raised their kids to be perfect, to avoid making others upset, to never make a fuss, be out of sight in general.

This isn't going to be every case. You won't find that. I'm saying it's a risk factor, and kids with these types of parents are actually ripe for the picking.

There's a relationship between abuse and a disconnect. When that disconnect is inscribed in your relationships, when you can't be uncomfortable, scared, weirded out, or get taken advantage of, you're only more vulnerable to keep being a part of cycles of abuse. It's good to almost "nurture" a smaller side of you, when you feel like fawning, fleeing, or cringe back from doing certain things.

The mothers of the suspected other victims would be "let down" by their kid getting distracted in school, being too "weak" to shake someone's hand or show up at a gathering.

A lot of survivors need more of a safety net, and a culture that is invested in understanding and being able to listen. Anger can be part of the fallout, but lots of victims just want to be believed. The cycle can stop when the first child is embraced and heard.