I feel like a damn drug addict, and I hate this version of myself

It has been one week since she left. This was an entirely online relationship (Snapchat / FactTime)… but one that was intense, intimate and full of love. Long story short, something unexpected happened on her end, and the relationship had to come to an end in a very upsetting way. Neither of us wanted to say goodbye. I sent her one text, 4 days later, and it went unanswered. I have been leaving messages and Snaps in our chat, thinking she’d come back… but I’ve pretty much stopped that now. Just writing to say that I hate how she now occupies my mind. Even when I try to do something “for me,” I’m thinking about her. I try to calculate in my mind when it might be okay to reach out again. Can I say Happy Easter? Happy Birthday? Merry Christmas? And then I think to myself… good god, I sound pathetic. What woman would even want a man who is as pitiful as I am in this moment? I wish I had the mental fortitude to say “F this. Her loss. I’m DONE.” … instead, I’m sitting here looking at saved pictures, imagining that she’ll come running back into my life after she can’t take it anymore… when the reality is that she knows perfectly well how to reach me, if she wants to… but she doesn’t. Otherwise she would have. I hate this.