this illness has ruined my whole life

I'm so tired I don't know why I'm ranting here. This illnes has destroyed me completely, there is nothing left of me, my personality is completely gone. I can't see a future anymore nor do I see anything worth fighting for. I'm so miserable all the time but can't turn that into fight against my ed. I feel so trapped because I know I can't live like this anymore but I feel like I can't change either. I don't want to see another day like this but no matter how much I rationalise it when it comes to taking action weight gain feels worse than this or dying. I'm so tired. There is nothing left of me. I'm writing this in the hopes that if anyone is thinking about relapsing this it where it will take you. It is not worth it. If it doesn't physically kill you it drives you to that point in other ways. This illness is so cruel, nobody deserves that.