Tips for stopping yourself from doing dangerous things.

I struggle with this. I keep seeking high adrenaline life threatening situations.

I know I can be content just being normal and going for hikes, but I always have to do the extremes, I want to do multi-week to multi-month solo backpacking trips to distract from the pain of existence. I'll drive fast, ride motorcycles recklessly.

Normally I'm able to keep it wraps in public because I still don't want to hurt anyone else, but when I'm totally alone, all bets are off.

I will drive to a national park just so I'm not within 100 miles of another soul just to drive recklessly, that is even worse because that means no hospitals or any help or chance of being found if I'm unconscious. But I feel alive and okay, it feels really really fucking good.

I'm trying to limit myself from doing recklessly things. I just need some tips that might help others.

They all seem like rational normal things I should do and it is also what I WANT to do. It feels good. But then I'll get out of this heightened state or other mindset I take on, and I'm beating myself up, I'm dumb, why did I do that, I was a jerk, ect ect. It's a cycle

This kind of ties into where I have heard, I am not my thoughts, but I have trouble wrapping my brain around that concept, especially when I have very bad thoughts involving violence, I never acted on them, and I've only been in one fight where I threw the first punch. But I know I want to fight more, I want to hurt more. But that's wrong, I know it is, and when I think about it in the state of mind I am in now, I don't want to really hurt anyone, I'd rather just be left in peace and don't want anyone hurt or sad.

It is like I have a moral compass that points both north and south at the same time. There is some artwork I came across recently by a guy called Shin-ichi Sakamoto. A 2 page scene depicts the internal struggle of the protagonist and I cried when I saw it, it feels like what is going on inside me all the time.

Half of me is this really bad person I don't like, they are selfish, violent, hateful, petty, and manipulative. The other half wants to offer care and empathy, I want to live peacefully and just focus on the people and things that matter to me and try and put my life together.

My peaceful side wins over, I'd be dead or in prison for life if I let my other side lead, I'm not a good person, I want to be, but at my core I know I'm not. And it sucks